L.O.V.E.

Four simple letters that make up one of the most complex things known to human kind, certainly one of the most complex to me. So let me say a few things about love

1)  i wont pretend to know what love is for everyone, but i know what it is for me. Love is taking someone with no exceptions, with all their flaws and attributes. Love is taking them who are they, and never asking them to change that. Love is being happy for that person, so long as they are happy. if it if that means breaking your heart. Love is being there when they need you the most, no matter what the circumstances are.

2) Love never ceases to exist. It can change, evolve. grow or dim with time, but it will never die. Love leaves a mark on each of us, that we will forever bear on our hearts. One we will never forget fully. We will carry a little piece of each love with us everywhere.

3) Love is messy.

4) For me, loving people is entirely too easy. i have a big heart and it is wide open. please don't take advantage of that.

5) Love can and will draw blood in it's defense.

The list can go on and on but i'll stop there. Just two others things:
In regards to the past:
1) i fell in love with a boy on a train and my life will never be the same. one month, that was all it took for him to turn my life around. i let him in after i swore i would never love like that agian. the love we shared in those breif and fleeting six months was soo pure and real so i doubt it even happened.. then i look at the scar on my heart and know it was. It was brief, but it was beautiful, my god is was beautiful. i believed with everything i was that i was going to marry him, and he was the one. but i'm a different person now. and who knows what is to come. so i just he knows i miss him and that i love him and i only wish the best for him.

in regards to the present:
2) i just want to know how this fair. I've loved you since we were kids, you have always been on my mind and i want to be with you. i wanna hold your hand, i wanna hold you, i wanna kiss you. i wanna be the one you run to when you need a hug. & i know you want me too but there are these little complications in our way. I just want our love to have a chance, and i fear that will never happen and at the same time i have this feeling that it will, but not in the present. and that breaks my already broken heart. it seems as if you and i will always be unfinished bisness. i love you and wish you well, i wish you hapiness but most of all....i wish you love.

Angie's Story

[Her Story] [day 24]

So today I was sitting in our usual group therapy session or as Veronica likes to call it “the circle of openness” Veronica, just like every thing else about this place seems so ridiculous. I mean nametags? We’re not kindergarteners! I couldn’t fathom any reason why someone would want to work here! I’d shoot myself before I could even think about it, but anyways. As I gazed around the room,bored out of my mind, I spotted an unfamiliar face. She was sitting with her knees to her chin in the plastic orange chair in the far end of the circle, and I couldn’t read her nametag. Well whoever she was, she was beautiful. With curly red hair that framed her snow white face and cherry red lips that appeared to cover in some sort of balm. She glanced up slightly reveling sky blue eyes smothered by thick black eye liner. They reminded me of a break in the storm clouds during summer. I made sure to stare long enough only to appear curious, so no one would catch onto my interest. No one here, but my therapist knows I’m bisexual and I’d like to keep it that way for now. I took one last glance at her and her blank face boggled me. I sat back in my chair and wondered what her story could be but I stopped myself after a few minutes. I knew that it was stupid to assume someone’s story because its making judgments which I hate making and usually I end up wrong anyway. That’s when the lovely ray of sunshine named Veronica entered the room with her usual coffee mug and box of tissues. All conversations stopped abruptly with her entrance as we all assumed our familiar positions, preparing for three hours of Ms. Sunshine’s peppy voice. No one ever talked in these sessions, I don’t know why she even bothered. Still she clapped her hands together, meaning it was time to start.

As I sat Indian style in my uncomfortable yellow plastic chair, she started rambling on about something. I didn't care, I really wasn’t paying attention I couldn’t keep my eyes off the new arrival. Her hair was so wildly beautiful and bold while mine was nauseatingly dull . Suddenly I was filled with envy and began to twirl my dishwater blonde hair self-consciously, staring off into space. I was snapped back into reality by the sound that peppy voice saying something about a new girl, named Angelica. She swiveled in her chair towards Angelica and asked if she would like to share her story with us. To our surprised she nodded, and switched places with Ms. Sunshine. Now in the center of the circle with all eyes on her she seemed nervous, but she closed her eyes and took and deep breath and began to speak. I remember her every word. This is her story. 

“I knew Drew since freshmen year, but we never really talked ever though we had one or more classes together. Which is why I was startled and shocked when he approached me at my locker a week before prom. He asked me to be his prom date, my comprehensive skills failed temporarily. Suddenly I busted out, nearly screaming yes. Little did I know that, that one word would lead me down a dark road. When everyone in the hall stared at me, I was a bit embarrassed but I didn’t really care. I just asked to prom by Drew Cross, the hottest guy in school! He stood about six foot four, with light brown hair always buzzed because of ROTC and the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen. After I recovered from the initial shock, I rushed home and told my mother the whole story. She was so excited for me, when my father got home she told him. Later that night after dinner, we went out to buy a dress and everything that came with it. I remember the moment I caught a glimpse of my dress from the corner of my eye. It was a full length gray satin spaghetti strap dress with such beautiful, intricate beading starting at the bust line and wrapped around down the side of the dress all the way to the bottom. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I screamed for my parents and rushed to the fitting rooms with a dress in my size. It fit like a glove, I could have sworn I was glowing when I walked out to show my father. His face full of countenance and pride, and told me I looked divine. The rest was a blur of movement and planning. My mother was so ecstatic her little girl was going to prom after all, she meticulously cleaned the house from top to bottom. The house was barely recognizable. She and I spent the night before prom planning everything because I wouldn’t accept any last minute alternatives. The next day was spent with my mother and I driving from the tailors to pick up my dress, to the nail salon, to the hair salon, then to my mothers friend who is a professional make-up artist.So by the time the doorbell rang at 6:30, she was acting so sporadic, I had to have my father bring her downstairs to meet Drew, while I finished my last minute touch ups. I took one last look in the mirror and thought tonight my life will change forever! I was right it was going to change just not the way I expected it to. I grabbed my shiny black clutch off my bed, walked out of my room and began descending down the stairs. I smiled at Drew, who looked amazing in his suit and tie, but instead of a look of joy I expected to see on his face all I saw was a look of boredom and impatience. This made me a little annoyed and suspicious, but I shrugged it off thinking that I did take a while to get ready and my folks aren't the most entertaining people in the world. 

Once I got downstairs, he roughly placed the corsage on my wrist and posed for a few photos with this fake smile glued to his face. I said goodnight to my parents, then he almost dragged me out of my house and to his cherry red truck. The ass didn’t even open up the door for me, getting into that truck was hell with that dress to begin with, and him badgering me to hurry the hell up didn’t help much. I was agitated but I let it go, after all I was going to prom on the arm of Drew Cross! Girls eat you hearts out, I thought with a smile. 

I fell into a fantasy of the night to come. Everyone would be stunned at how radiant we looked together and would whisper about my dress and some would even come to me and tell me how beautiful I looked. After dinner, Drew and I would be announced Prom King and Queen, even though I wasn’t in the running. I spotted the girl whose dreams I crushed balling her eyes out and ruining her lovely dress, I couldn’t see her like that. So I respectfully denounced my title and took the tiara and sash off myself and gave it to her. Then Drew and I would walk off to have the first slow dance of the night. 

I was literally jerked out of this daydream, by Drew’s crappy breaks and his loud angry cursing. I sighed and looked out the window, and realized we were nowhere close to where the prom was being held! I started to panic, I looked at Drew and nearly screamed. “where the hell are we going?” He didn’t even glance at me, just keep driving, so I punched him in the right shoulder causing the car to swerve and screamed at the top of my lungs at him. “where the fuck are you taking me you bastard?” Once he regained control of the car and turned swiftly and punched me in the face. It was all I could do not to scream in agony, he busted my nose, and I could feel the hot blood pouring down my face and on to my dress. Then he finally responded by telling me not to worry about it babe, you’ll see when we get there. I was stunned, I fumbled with my clutch trying to reach my cell phone when it was snatched out of my trembling hands and thrown out the driver’s side window. He looked at me with blood shoot eyes, full of anger and malice and whispered to me. “no one’s coming to save you baby” I was terrified, I couldn’t think, I could barley breathe. I began to fumble with the door handle but it was locked! Shit! I thought to myself, then I began to roll down the window just enough for someone to hear me scream, when I felt something cold, hard against the back of my head and heard an slight click. I froze and my heart skipped a beat. He told me to roll up the window and sit like a good little bitch till we got there and he wouldn’t hurt me if I listened. So I did as I was told. Seeing that gun in his hand, I could no longer hold back the tears. I sat there for God knows how long crying, trembling, saying my last prayers, and thinking that I was going to be coerced into something bad just because I wanted to be the IT girl for once in my life. I felt the truck slow and come to a stop on the shoulder of some old abandoned back road. I knew what was coming next and my trembling become worse. He told me to get into the backseat like the good little slut I was. When I didn’t, he put the gun to my head again, I began to cry harder and did what I was told. I didn’t have any other choice. I’ll spare you the intimate details. Once he was done raping me, he knocked me unconsious and must have pushed me out of the truck about a mile from my house. 

When I finally came through my face was itchy with dry blood, my dress was ripped apart and stained in blood and other things, my clutch was gone, my heels were broken and all I could do was lie there on the cement and weep. I don’t know how long I lied there before the blue car pulled up. I remember the man talking to me, but I couldn't make out the words. But apparently he called the cops and paramedics and they called my parents after I managed to give them my house number in between crying jags and screams of pain. I told the cops and my parents the whole story somehow as I lay in a hospital bed staring at the ceiling of the ER room. The cops left when they got all the information they needed, they said they’d see what they could do. Then I had a rape kit done, once again I’ll spare you the details. They bandaged my nose and took swabs of the other stain on my dress for the cops. My parents were devastated and angry with me at first. Telling me things like it was my fault for going out with a boy I barely even knew and how much of a idiot I was not to get his plate number. Then they both started crying, hugging me, apologizing, and blaming themselves. That was the worst night of my life and probably my parent’s too. I was put into counseling. The cops found Drew and checked his car, took swabs of the same stains on the cushions of his back seat, and compared them to the one found on my dress. It was a match and charges were pressed, we did the whole court thing , and now the bastard is rotting away in jail for 15 years. 

But no matter how many times people told me it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t worthless, I didn’t believe it, I thought I’d be better off dead. So one night, three weeks after the sentencing, while my father was working the late shift and my mother was sleeping in room down the hall. I took one of my mother craft knifes and walked into the bathroom downstairs. Well you can guess what I did, as she pulled up her sleeves to revel two cuts that were now stitched shut. My dad came home early that night and found me in the bathroom in a pool of blood and rushed me to the ER and from there I was sent here, here of all places, all because of my stupid desire for popularity.” 

I don’t know how many tears where shed by both of us throughout the story or how many tissues that were now crumpled up on the floor, as I stood and walked to the center of the circle and hugged her. We both wept. She wept for herself and I don’t know what else and I wept for her and myself. Once we released each other from our embraces we smiled through our tears at each other. She said “You can call me Angie” to which I responded “The name’s Mandi” 

I never told my story to the people in this group, it wasn’t half as bad as Angelica’s, but it was still horrible. The scars on my arms burned, threatening to rip themselves open again, at the thought of telling my story. Angelica gave me the strength to tell me story, despite the pain. 

So Angie and I switched places and I began to tell my story. We all cried till all the tears were shed, every tissue available was used, and our three hours were spent. All I know is I will never forget Angie, her story, or how she inspired me to muster my strength and tell my own story. “LIGHTS OUT LADIES!” the nurse or hall monitor/warden is screaming. Like I said ridiculous, nine o’ clock and its lights out. Crazy people in this place I swear, maybe that’s why they call in the loony bin. Hahaha.

Refill Please..(a one act play)

This is just a play i had to write for my theatre class. its a 5 minute play somewhat in the style of Greek Theatre 

Refill Please 



ACT I 

SCENE ONE 

(SOPHIE sitting in her favorite booth at the coffee shop called Chocolat. She is sipping a coffee and writing in her notebook. Barista is wiping down tables. SOPHIE writes a sentence, stares at it for a second, then tears it out and leaves it on the edge of the table along with her empty cup and continues writing. Barista One/ Anne stops wiping down tables, grabs the coffee pot, refills her cup. Then picks up the torn sheet of paper and begins to read) 

ANNE 
One thing that I'm sure of, we plan, God laughs(Smiles slightly. then walks over to the counter and adds it to a stack of papers in the corner and begins to wipe down the counter) 

(enter COLE) 
COLE 
(sitting down across from SOPHIE) Hey there, stranger! 

(SOPHIE barely even acknowledging his presence, takes a sip of her coffee and continues to write) 

COLE 
I figured I'd find you here...(looking around, pause) you know, I never really have understood why you like this place so much. I mean, it's just so- 

SOPHIE 
(still writing) quiet... 

COLE 
Yeah...too quiet for my taste....plus I really don't like coffee, its just so- 

SOPHIE 
(putting down her pen and pushing her notebook to the side) Cole, why are you here? 

COLE 
Well, I just wanted to apologize for not showing up last night. I really had planned to go, but then- 


SOPHIE 
Let me guess? Your plans changed, or you got caught up in something right? What else is new Cole? ( pause. takes another sip of coffee) There's always an excuse with you...( goes back to writing) 

COLE 
Soph, I really am sorry...I.... (gets up and starts to leave. turns around, looks at SOPHIE, then continues to leave. SOPHIE looks up as the door the shuts, her gaze lingers. Then she drains her coffee cup, scribbles a sentence down in her notebook, lays her head down and lets out a long sigh. she rips out the sheet of paper and pushes it to the corner of the table along with her cup again. And places her back down on the table. Barista Two/ Kyle comes and refills her cup.) 

SOPHIE 
Thanks. 


(Kyle nods at her then begins to read) 

KYLE 
I'm a history book, damned and doomed to repetition.( Kyle nods silently in agreement. He walks back to the counter, places the paper with others, and starts making a new batch of coffee.) 


(enter RILEY and SHAWN) 
RILEY 
See! I told you she'd be here! She's always here! (slides into the seat across from SOPHIE, taking a sip from her coffee cup.) 

SHAWN 
(Slides into the booth next to RILEY. He peers at SOPHIE's notebook, trying to make out the scribbles, then SOPHIE closes it quickly and brings it closer to herself.) Sorry, I didn't mean to pry. It's just that you're always writing, and I always wonder what in the hell could you be filling those pages with. (pause) 


RILEY 
Personally, I think all that writing is wasting paper and therefore killing trees. 

SOPHIE 
(rolls her eyes and shakes her head) That explains why your homework is never done.(smiles slyly) 
SHAWN 
(Chuckling. RILEY elbows him in the stomach) Ow! ( rubs stomach) sorry, it was funny.(smiling at SOPHIE) 
RILEY 
Whatever! There was a reason why we were looking for you. So you are not going to believe what happened to Kathleen! She was-( SOPHIE's cell phone rings. She looks the caller ID for a second, then answers hesitantly) 

SOPHIE 
Hello?......To what the hell do I owe this phone call to?....Yeah so?.......(pause).....Look, Dad, What the fuck do you want from me? I'm sorry, but I'm never going to be your little girl. you had the chance to be there for not just me but for Jamie as well, and you fucking blew it! So let me ask again. What the fuck do you want from me?....(pause)...Wait, (panicky) What? When? Where? How?... (pause) Oh my God!!....Wait, why was she coming to visit you?.....(pause) What?! you've been back together for 3 months??....(pause. SOPHIE now holding back tears).... FUCK YOU! you're the reason this happened! If it wasn't for you she would still be alive!! First you walk out on us, then now, you take away our mother, the only person we had left!!! ...(pause).... No, I won't calm down. I fucking hate you!! Just stay the fucking hell out of our lives!!! 
(hangs up the phone. pause. then sends it flying across the coffeehouse, shattering into pieces on the floor) 

SOPHIE 
(sobbing) FUCK HIM AND FUCK MY LIFE!!!! (sobbing and shaking. Now RILEY has climbed over the table to hold her and SHAWN is on her other side holding her head in his hands) 

RILEY 
(soothing) It's okay sweetie, just let it all out..(looking over at SHAWN) 

SHAWN 
Come on, Soph. It'll be okay. 

SOPHIE 
(sits up suddenly. full of rage) It'll be alright?? It'll be al-fucking-right?? hahahaha! I just lost my mother! the only person I could ever count on is gone thanks to the one I never could depend on!! So you tell me how the fuck it'll be alright SHAWN!! ( pause) just go!!( begins sobbing again) please just go! (SHAWN and RILEY exchange glances) JUST FUCKING GO!!!!! (They both make their way towards the door. they take one last look at SOPHIE. Then they walk out the door without a sound) 

(SOPHIE opens her notebook and begins to write furiously. tears out the paper and shoves it to the edge of the table along with her cup. Her cup falls and shattered against the floor.) 

SOPHIE 
Fuck it all! (sobbing harder, lays her head back down on the table and continues to sob. Barista three/ Ethan walks over with a broom and dustpan. He picks up the soggy piece of paper and begins to read)

ETHAN 
My chest begins to burn, my legs begin to scream. Running can only get you so far. (looks at SOPHIE, then down at the paper. Begins to quitely sweep up the pieces of the cup. He leaves the pieces on her table and takes the paper back to the counter to join the others.) 

(Lights focused on SOPHIE, still sobbing begin to fade till the stage is completely dark.) 

Curtain. 

Memories...prt 2

it's always late at night when i'm all alone, i begin to miss you. a familiar knot in my stomach begins to grow. I start to think about the good things, like the simple pleasure of riding shotgun with your hand on my thigh. the comfort and security of your embrace, your arms wrapped around me at night, your playful nature. but its not too soon after that, i realize that you're gone. and there's this hole in my heart, and it seems to continuously grow. then i begin to doubt...the memories of those three sweet little words...i doubt how you said you wanted to settle down with me.....i can't understand how someone can feel the way you said you felt about me than leave me, with what seems as without a second thought. God, it makes me feel like shit. I swear i'm stupid for falling for you. i gave my all to you, and the sad thing is i still would. i would have always been there for you, sad thing is i still would. i would have loved you no matter what, and the sad and tragic thing is that i still do, and always will. I'm not sure if i'll be nothing more than a memory to you, but please don't let this memory fade away. The pain and hurt i feel, will someday fade, but the mark you left on my heart shall always remain.

Goodbye

Goodbye


i put you in a box 

and packed you away

i know in time this feelings will fade

but the memories shall remain

but for now i must 

be strong and carry on

thank you for the laughs and all the fun 

and the beautiful love we shared

i wish you well and i wish you luck

i hope you find what you're looking for out there

and i hope you remember me and smile

please know that i will always love you

so i put you in a box

and packed you away

but know that so now it's time

for me to say

goodbye...

Memories...

So i woke up this morning, and stepped out on my porch to smoke my morning cigarette, and I smelt that rain in the warm damp air and it reminded me of our time in california. Then i found my self missing him more than usual, as i took puff after puff, the memories came rushing back. The tears came faster than i expected...its sad that memories can warm you up from the inside but they can also tear you apart..and today they have me in pieces. I remember the way it felt holding his hand as we walked down the beach at half moon bay. I loved the way it felt so warm and right against mine. too many memories to explain. I miss the way he would look at me and smile like i was the best thing in the world, or how he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. It's not fair that you can love someone so much and there's not a damn thing you can do about it, besides miss that person so much it hurts sometimes.....in time the pain in my heart will cease but i know these memories will remain, and one day i can look back on them and smile.   

Quote Of The Day 4/12/11

Ask the experienced, not the learned...

This is a quote that i find very fitting. Most of the people that have or continue to inspire me, have been learned but gained far more knowlegde from their experiences. You can read all the books, and articles you want but there is no better way of learning then the hands on approach. That statement at least rings true for me. You do not need a degree to prove your intellegence to me, it is how you handle that things life and God throws your way, and what you have gone through to get that degree that means something to me. I have to say that the most experienced person in my life, is my grandmother, who is a very intellegent women, who never graduated high school. so is by no means identified by the term learned, or at least how we see it. To me she is a very learned person because of her experiences. In the end, It isn't the destination that matters, it's about the journey.